


Lost Star Trek: TOS Script

by payyourfreakingtaxes



Category: Star Trek TOS - Fandom
Genre: "Lost script", Heavy shade at (or appreciation of?) the cinematography, How is shitpost not already a tag, I Don't Even Know, I think im overtagging, If it feels like another episode that's how you know it's working, M/M, Mint julep?, Other, Spock and Kirk are gay, This is my first work, Y'all in for a ride, Yall already know i cant keep the gay out of it, harold - Freeform, oh boy, oh well, shitpost, uh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-04 01:29:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14009223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/payyourfreakingtaxes/pseuds/payyourfreakingtaxes
Summary: Oh my god I'm sorry I wrote this between 12 and 1 am and it's basically garbage, but here it is.Heavy This Side Of Paradise vibes, but yknow





	Lost Star Trek: TOS Script

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all this gon' be a wild ride get ready

[ _We open on the technologically advanced bridge, people gasp at the special effects. Kirk is admiring Spock in his Fancy Chair in the middle of the room while Sulu does the Actual Work._ ]  
**Sulu** : Captain, we will be there in approximately 17 light-minutes.  
**Kirk** [ _startled from his dreamy eyed staring, adjusts himself in his Captain Chair and tries to play it cool._ ]: Thank you, Mr. Sulu.  
**Uhura** : Captain, there's a strange radio signal coming from the planet.  
**Kirk** : Isn't There Always?  
Spock: Captain, you know that the settlement of planet aszjkdgf is very important to the federation. Perhaps we should check on them?  
**Kirk, always listening to Spock** : Very well. Let's take our most important officers to investigate the possible danger.  
**Chekhov, from nowhere** : You know, endangering the lives of your most important officers because those are the people who need screen time was a Russian invention.

  
_[Between Chekhov's comment and the beam-down, the magnificent intro, complete with futuristic opera, plays. Everyone jams._ ]  
[ _Kirk, Bones, and Spock, along with like two red shirts who are gonna die, beam down to planet sksdfrz to investigate the settlement. The audience needs another moment to take in the amazing effects. Meanwhile, Sulu is left in charge, Like Always._ ]  
**Kirk** : We have arrived at the settlement. All seems peaceful. [ _Dramatic score tells you that things are not, in fact, peaceful._ ]  
[ _Kirk ventures towards the settlement, which is definitely an alien planet even if it kind of looks like Colorado. A bearded dude and a hot blonde chick come out, the score letting you know that These Are The Bad Guys._ ]  
**Bearded Guy** : Hello, I am Rapscallion, and this is my daughter Hanna. [ _Hanna glances flirtatiously at Kirk and Spock looks like a jealous lover. Kirk is kind of oblivious._ ] What brings you to our settlement?  
**Kirk** : We picked up a strange signal coming from the settlement, and we decided to stop by and check it out.  
**Rararasputin** : Ah, I see. No need to be concerned, we simply were trying out our new radio and didn't realise there were any ships in the area.  
[ _Kirk nods while Spock raises the Illogical Eyebrows._ ] **Spock** : There were no reports of a new radio being ordered from the federation.  
**Rafaelio** : Ah, well, we made our own. We thought improvements could be made. We still have the old one, of course, but we're hoping to obtain permission to switch to the new one.  
[ _Spock makes that one 'I don't believe a word you say' face but stays silent._ ]  
**Kirk** : Well, if all is well here, I hope you don't mind if our crew takes shore leave here? We've been traveling for quite a while.  
[ _Ralphfiennes looks shady while the score gets all 'shady stuff is happening here' and there's a dramatic closeup on his face._ ]  
**Ravioli** : Of course. Take as long as you need.  
**Kirk, pulling out his super futuristic flip phone** : Mr. Sulu, we will be taking shore leave here. Send any off duty crew down.  
**Sulu** : right away, Captain.

  
[ _All off duty crew happens to be all the other main characters plus a couple extras._ ]  
**Scotty** : Captain, I would much prefer to be on the ship, if you don't mind.  
**Kirk** : Scotty, you can't live on the ship.  
**Scotty** : well, technically, sir--  
**Kirk** : Stay down here and have fun. That's an order.  
**Scotty, already plotting to get back on the ship** : Aye, Captain.

  
**Cut to Bones, chatting up Hot Blonde Chick from earlier** : Yeah, I'm pretty much the guy that cleans up everyone's messes. And what thanks do I get? Nothing! Not even a mint julep. Apparently those 'aren't a thing in space.' Anyway, tell me about this radio of yours.  
**Hot Blonde Chick** : We're really not supposed to talk about it.  
**Bones** : Hey, it could be our little secret.  
**Hot Blonde Chick, shockingly not succumbing to his charm** : I have to go.  
[ _Bones stares off into the middle distance with that weird Kermit the frog frown, you can almost hear the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme playing in the background, but you don't actually because this is the 60s and also copyright.]_

 _[Cut to Spock and Kirk, standing way closer than need be.]_  
**Spock** : Captain, it is illogical that this agricultural settlement would have the technology available to build a radio that functions at the capacity of a regulation Starfleet radio, let alone surpasses it.  
**Kirk** : Maybe you're right, Spock. Something didn't sit right with me about those guys. I'll keep an eye out.

  
[ _Meanwhile, Scotty is trying to sneak back onto the enterprise. He's calling the transporter room when Chekhov accosts him._ ]  
**Chekhov** : Hey Scotty, what are you doing?  
**Scotty, a terrible liar** : Uhhhhh why don't you talk about Russia?  
[ _Chekhov launches into a passionate speech about how Russians invented everything from corn to nihilism to breathing, and how it is clearly the superior country. While he is doing this, Scotty slips away, unnoticed, and beams back onto the Enterprise._ ]

  
[ _Cut to Bones, once again with Hot Blonde Chick. HBC looks like she would really rather be somewhere else._ ]  
**Bones, overly southern** : Say, as I recall, there was a pretty bad disease outbreak around here a few years ago. Were you around for that?  
**HBC, looking uncomfortable but for a different, shiftier reason** : Well, it wasn't too bad actually. A mild case, I guess.  
[ _Bones looks suspicious. The camera closes in on his thinking face while the score plays a dramatic chord._ ]  
**Bones** : That doesn't sound right, as I recall, a good portion of the population died...  
**HBC, irritable and shifty** : Well, perhaps you have your facts wrong, doctor!  
[ _As she storms away, Bones pulls out his Med Scanner Thing and scans her. She somehow doesn't notice, and he looks at the results. You see his Surprised Face, and he runs out of the barn that I decided they're in.]_

  
[ _Meanwhile, Kirk decides to have a talk with Raycharles and brings Spock along with him for moral support. I'm too lazy to write dialogue here, so just picture some ~very~ thinly veiled Cold War metaphors, and perhaps a hint of Spock Sass. Suddenly, Bones, who has apparently never heard of subtlety, bursts in._ ]  
**Bones** : Captain! These people aren't human! [ _Cue dramatic score + closeup on Rancidfish._ ] They're Klingon. [ _Entire audience gasps._ ]  
**Raggedyann** : You couldn't keep your nose in your own business, could you? [ _Pulls out an obviously not Styrofoam weapon._ ]  
[ _Kirk immediately steps in front of Spock despite being unarmed. The next second he leaps at Ratigangreatmousedetective and they begin taking wide swings at each other and occasional floor rolling. Kirk's shirt gets ripped in the process because he did not get slight pecs for you to not see them._ ]

  
[ _Spock and Bones leap in to help after watching for a moment; Bones because "I cannot believe this is the man I call captain", Spock because "omg that's my husband <3". They incapacitate the captain, but they come outside to see that there's a bunch of realistic looking lasers being fired. A couple of red shirts die. Kirk calls the Enterprise._]  
**Kirk** : Mr. Sulu, beam us up!  
**Sulu** : I'm afraid I can't, Captain, our transport systems have been damaged.  
**Kirk** : Who could have foreseen such a thing...

  
[ _Kirk takes the main crew plus the couple extras who didn't die to a safe spot, but things are looking bleak and Kirk ends up having to sacrifice himself to save others. But, at the last moment, Scotty figures out the problem cuz he went back to the enterprise and he beams them up. Kirk gets fixed up in the medbay and Spock comes to visit him._ ]

  
**Spock** : Captain! You're alive! I'm so glad!  
[ _Spock realises Bones is there, and tries to ~~heterosexual it up~~ pretend like he doesn't have emotions._ ]  
**Spock** : It would be,,,unfortunate,, for the ship to lose such a capable commander.  
**Kirk** : Thank you, Mr. Spock.  
[ _Kirk calls for Scotty_ ]  
**Kirk** : Mr. Scott, I understand that you were the one who fixed the problem because you disobeyed my orders?  
**Scotty** : Yes, Captain.  
**Kirk** : Well then, I have to revoke your shore leave privileges.  
**Scotty** : Thank you, Captain--I mean yes, Captain.  
[ _They all laugh and episode ends._ ]

**Author's Note:**

> Honestly? Sorry. I wrote this in a series of Instagram DMs to a friend, and it's 2 am and my battery is at 13% so I guess I'm posting it now. By the way, this is my first ever work posted anywhere, so. First impressions, amirite?
> 
> Oof I had to do the formatting on my phone I'm actually dead
> 
> Update: o o f I just went back in and added periods at the end of sentences and capital letters are you proud of me


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